What Life is Like for a Clubby – A Typical Day

5 AM. Alarm goes off – slam it against the wall. 

5:30 AM. Other alarm goes off, positioned across the room. Put pillow over head. Wait ten minutes, or less if your partner yells at you to get up and get going and turn that damn thing off.

5:40 AM. Hobble to the alarm, turn it off. Sit on the edge of the bed because your feet, knees, hips, back, neck are screaming at you, despite a solid 4-5 hours of heavily interrupted sleep.

5:50 AM. Push up from the bed, stand still for several minutes while you work to convince yourself this is actually do-able. Hobble to the bathroom, do your morning ablutions. Hobble back to bedroom, pull on your compression socks/elastic ankle brace/AFO/whatever, then get dressed.

6:15 AM. Breakfast, interrupted occasionally by electrical-storm cramping in one or several extremities. Wonder if the general body ache is worse or better than the day before. Maybe take a pill.

6:30 AM. Get in car/bus/train, go to work/look for job, hope you can keep your walking/standing time within your constitutional limits, unlike yesterday.

8:30 AM. Take pill, maybe.

9:30 AM. Remind boss why you are the wrong person to send out to canvas the local businesses/do his shopping/carry those ten boxes to FedEx/etc., and remind him what happened last time he did that. Hope he doesn’t threaten to fire your sorry, crippled ass. Before heading out, put on second elastic ankle braces over the first set. Maybe take a pill.

12 noon. Lunch. Forgot to prepare one this morning due to pain-induced procrastination. Force yourself to go to the nearest restaurant/fast food/burrito palace despite getting serious food poisoning there the last time, but at least its close. Chalk up another successful trade-off. Take the zantac before and after, just in case.

1:00 PM. Return to work. Enter basement/top floor storage closet, close door, scream for two minutes. Upon coming out, encounter a manager, and just say, “therapy, doctor-recommended,” and return to your station/cubicle/cash register/lift truck/etc. Sit/stand until next break. Maybe take a pill.

3:00 PM. Leave early to make it to doctor appointment. Arrive ten minutes late, receive disapproving look from receptionist, then wait for two hours as the sword of retaliation cuts you down. Enter doctor’s exam room. Wait. Get blood pressure and temperature taken. Wait. Get a reassuring promise from the assistant that it “won’t be much longer.” Wait.

4:30 PM. Doctor enters exam room, looks at your chart, says, “hmm” several times, then aims a fake smile in your direction, clears his throat. Hear him say exactly what he said last visit. Ask for another Rx. Hear him say, “well….. I’m concerned about possible addiction issues with the amount of pain medications you’ve taken so far.” Remind him about your always-on, chronic, no let-up in sight screaming bad pain. Tell him you appear to be already addicted to pain, and can’t he help you fight that addiction. Realize he is incapable of appreciating sarcasm, or irony, or both. Hear doctor repeat, “well……. Let’s try some different approaches to pain management. How about meditation, hmmm?” Repress strong desire to stab doctor in eye with his own always-clicking pen. Tell him the pain keeps you from sleeping, from getting up, from having sex. That last one does the trick. He also writes an Rx for Viagra. If you are a female, remind him of the uselessness of such an Rx, or not. Maybe take it for your partner. Let HIM take a pill this time.

6:00 PM. Take car/bus/train/cab home. Alternately, take a long walk off a short pier, er, go shopping for groceries. Say “screw it” and purchase extra-large tub of chocolate ice cream. Vow to bite off the head of your partner if they so much as raise an eyebrow about it. Then go home.

7:30 PM. After partner complains about their day, and shares excuses about why they cannot make the dinner tonight, open a can/take from freezer/call for delivery. Shoot dirty looks at partner/kids/dogs/cat/hamster when they ask what time dinner will be ready. Take a pill, definitely.

9:00 PM. Remove shoes/braces/splints/compression socks. Scream for ten minutes, screw the storage closet approach – let everyone else in on the secret. Ask your partner for a foot massage. Or, give him that pill. Whatever. Resent the lackluster approach they show, either way.

10:00 PM. Watch Grey’s Anatomy. Cry. Demand partner go and fetch the ice cream. Threaten them with a spoon if they so much as ask for some – it’s all yours, dammit! Take a break to slather on some of that useless deep-heating ointment. Maybe take a pill.

11:00 PM. Go to bed. Spend half-an-hour arranging blankets/pillows/ice pack/heating pad to the right specifications. Ignore the complaints of your partner that you are doing this just to annoy them, but consider using that on another night. Spend another hour finding the “right position.” When your partner tries to initiate intimate relations, ignore his pleas and his reminder that you did, after all, give him that pill. Let him suffer. Your night time cramp-screams help with that proposition.

3:00 AM. Get up, hobble to bathroom, step on the cat’s tail in the dark, hit your toe on an object in the hall later identified as child’s dump truck, curse loudly. Hobble back to bed. Take another hour to find that comfortable position again. Cry occasionally.

6:00 AM. Vow to get another alarm clock, realize you’ve already gone through seven this year alone. Begin another day. Definitely take a pill.