Yes, It's Not Easy, and No, It's Not Fair

Got news about an hour ago about a young friend. Apparently, she killed herself this past weekend. I've had this happen twice before in my life (I guess if you live long enough, odds are it'll happen in your life, as well.) It always leaves a hollow feeling, especially for those who have known the depths of depression themselves - not the actual urge, mind you, but the internal dialog. Especially when pain just seems never-ending, and pointless. You move beyond that "why me" crap, and end up, well, down, less worried about such a stupid question, and more resigned to, how should I put this? Never being "normal?" Tired? Many clubbies have had those nights, and days, and if not thinking about cutting the damn things off, perhaps only thinking about drowning the pain in a heavy-bottomed glass.

But here's the thing, though you may justifiably perhaps accuse me of "rationalizing," or "philosophizing," but there really isn't anyone on this small blue orb that has it exactly easy-peazey. Sure, the rich have fewer worries, but they are just as prone to pain, self-doubt, and the myriad of human ills and ill-perceptions as the rest of humanity. They just get to eat at fancier restaurants than we do. In thinking about what it may have been that caused this young woman to cut the final cord, I thought about my grandmother, and my mother-in-law, both born early last century, both went through the Depression, at least two wars, well, more than that, now, had to work both in and out of the home, struggled to raise their kids, and sure, they got depressed from time to time, but they stuck it out, they understood that life isn't a Hollywood movie, its got suffering, and pain, and lost dreams, and the whole shebang, as my grandma would say it.

So what is different, now? Yes, suicide isn't anything new, but what is new is the shear numbers of folks just fed up, unwilling to stick around any longer. And then I had to look at what it was that's kept me from even thinking about such a choice, and it occurred to me its the same thing that has kept me in this relationship with my sweety for so long. Before I met her, I was a real serial monogamist, but every time things got tough, I'd say, "hey, who needs this," and be on my merry way. But when I met my honey, and we had that first, inevitable fight, and that same little petty thought raised its sorry-assed head inside mine, it suddenly occurred to me that, if I cut out at that point, I'd never know what was on the other side of that particular hill. And strangely enough, that same thought has come up every time we have gone through some rough patch, and well, I guess I've learned to make the same assessment about my own continuance. No way to know how the movie's gonna turn out if you leave before the closing credits.

But still, we don't all have the wherewithal to stomach all the crap that flies our way, I understand that. Its just now, she, and her family, and her friends and colleagues, will never know how else her movie might have ended.

Well, see you on the next post. I gotta get out to get some flowers before they close.